


The Very Messy Dwarves

by MysticaSmith



Category: Maleficent- All Media Types, Once Upon a Time (TV), Snow White - All Media Types, The Evil Queen Regina- Once Upon A Time, The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-07-13 00:58:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7131641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticaSmith/pseuds/MysticaSmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo Baggins finds Snow White crying and helps her tidy up as they bond over their mutual plight of cleaning up after very messy dwarves. Meanwhile, the Evil Queen Regina and Maleficent are having a private party in the palace. When poor Bilbo attempts to use common sense and bring everyone together, no one listens and all hell breaks loose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Very Messy Dwarves

One morning just after breakfast but well before elevensies, Bilbo Baggins put his walking jacket on and decided that the day was perfect for a quick stroll. He put his magic ring in one pocket, and making certain his pipe and leaf were stowed just right in the other pocket, he put the tiny silver tinderbox his great-grandfather had given him in along with it, because there’s nothing worse than settling down for a good smoke and discovering there is no way to light it. Then he took his walking stick in hand and set out on his accustomed path. He was almost to the local pub, when who should he see come round the bend but three generations of Sackville-Bagginses!  
“Oh no! So much for the pub! Time to move quickly,” he said to himself, and went from a stroll to a hurried jog, until he was nearly out of the town proper and well into the fields and farms before he slowed down. Huffing and puffing in an undignified fashion, he noticed the ground had become a bit boggy, and he heard the croaking of frogs. “There has to be a dry spot somewhere,” he grumbled, and chose an uphill path, knowing that water flowed downhill, and if he was going to sit down and smoke, he didn’t want wet pants. While looking for a nice dry place, he was amazed to discover someone else there. A Big Person, and quite tall at that. She was dressed all in shimmering black with what might have been some sort of fancy horned hat, picking the most delectable mushrooms he had ever seen. White and gold chanterelles the size of dinner plates, tasty morels, and many more species were growing in delightful profusion. The tall, pale lady was picking them and sorting them into various baskets, along with a variety of roots, leaves, and blossoms. Ordinarily, hobbits avoided Big People, but she was going to collect all those wonderful, delectable mushrooms if he didn’t at least point out that this was the Shire, and technically those were Halfling mushrooms. He also doubted a Big Person was likely to have gone down to Town Hall and filled out the necessary licensing paperwork.  
“Ahem,” he said, in his most proper, authoritative manner, “To gather chanterelles or any other edible mushrooms here in the Wooded Commons, also known as Old Man’s Bog, you are required to have a permit. Are you aware that you are fungus poaching?” She turned around, and he realized that this was no ordinary human lady, he had interrupted a fey sorceress on her gathering expedition.  
“What?” she asked.  
“Aaahhh,” he thought quickly, “Good day to you, Madam.”  
“Good day to you, too,” she repeated, and saw him eyeing the mushrooms. “Perhaps you would like to move along smartly.”  
“Yes, I think that I would,” Bilbo answered, quickly and wisely deciding not to get into an altercation with the horned sorceress over mushrooms, hurried along on his way back to the trail. Unfortunately, he got quite turned around, and so was piqued to find himself lost in the woods instead of smoking contentedly at the pub, which was what he had wanted in the first place. Even less happy than usual with the Sackville-Bagginses, he wandered along the boggy, unfamiliar trail until he heard crying. “Whatever might that be?” he wondered aloud, and found the source of the crying, which turned out to be another Big Person, this one a young lady in a long princess gown, sitting outside of a cottage on a stump, surrounded by animals. “Hello there,” he offered, “Are you lost? Or do you need help?”  
“Oh,” she answered. “I don’t even know where to start!”  
Bilbo thought for a moment, “Well, I suppose you could start from the beginning, and tell your story until you come to the end, or you could simply skip ahead to your most pressing problem.”  
The young lady dried her tears on a damp handkerchief, while her forest friends stood by, seeming both intrigued and sympathetic. She sighed and patted a doe on the head. Bilbo found it strange that anyone should keep so many edible pets. “Oh, I’ve got so many problems I don’t know what to do!” Then she collected herself and said, “Where are my manners? I’m Snow White. Who might you be?”  
“Good day. I’m Bilbo Baggins, and the only troubles I have are being a bit disoriented after interrupting a mushroom poaching sorceress, and trying to find my way to the pub.”  
“A sorceress! It wasn’t the Evil Queen, was it?”  
“I don’t know. Did your Evil Queen have a sparkly black dress, a horned headdress of sorts, a staff, and a fondness for mushrooms?”  
“Possibly,” Snow White thought aloud, “The Evil Queen is my stepmother, and she wants to kill me!”  
“That does sound like a problem,” Bilbo agreed, “Was your stepmother a fairy?”  
“No, she’s a human,” Snow White said.  
“So it probably wasn’t her that I saw gathering mushrooms without a permit,” Bilbo said, “Perhaps you can calm down, then.” He decided that since analyzing Snow White’s troubles might take quite a while, this was the best available place to smoke. So he sat down on a rotten stump, after making sure no bugs were likely to crawl out of it and into his pants, and took his pipe out of his pocket. “Please, do tell me what else is troubling you,” he said, looking into his pocket and finding his pouch of pipe weed and tinderbox.  
Snow White poured her heart out to this friendly if odd little fellow with large hairy feet while he puffed on his wooden pipe, blowing smoke rings. Finally she came to the end of her story, “I cleaned the Seven Dwarves cottage thoroughly just yesterday, only to awake this morning and find it in complete disarray again!”  
“Oh, I know all about dwarves and messes!” he exclaimed. “Why, once thirteen of them dropped in at my house unexpectedly one evening! They broke my dishes, ate all my food, drank every last drop of ale and beer, smoked my pipeweed to ashes, damaged my furniture, and dirtied absolutely everything! To top it all off, they brought a wizard along who talked me into going dragon hunting!”  
“Did you go hunting dragons?”  
“Only one, but that was certainly more than enough,” Bilbo said. “Then when I returned home after my grand adventure, I found my relatives had declared me dead, and were busy auctioning off my house and furniture. First I had to prove I was alive, and then I had to go buy most of it back!”  
“That sounds terrible!”  
“It was, I assure you. I still haven’t located the last of my silverware. Chances are good I never will.”  
“The Seven Dwarves don’t even bother with utensils if they don’t have to,” Snow White said, “I have to make them wash their hands before they eat, and then tidy up after them.”  
“They do sound like a rough bunch,” Bilbo said, “But don’t worry. I’ll help you clean it all up.”  
“Oh, thank you!” Snow White exclaimed, and when Bilbo was done smoking, she led him to the cottage of the Seven Dwarves. Upon opening the front door, he looked around, and was shocked when Snow White’s animal friends stepped right on in.   
“I think I’ve discovered the source of your troubles,” Bilbo said, noticing a soiled shoe with rabbit poop stuck to it. “In addition to the disarray the dwarves create, you’ve got these forest animals peeing and pooping everywhere.”  
“But they are my friends,” Snow White said, “And they help me clean up.”  
“They may be your friends,” he hesitantly agreed, watching a bird pull the stuffing out of an old chair, “But the one thing they are not doing is helping clean up.”  
A bird landed on Snow White’s shoulder, and another on her finger. They both tweeted sweetly, and several deer started sniffing around. “But I’ve always had my beloved Forest Friends with me,” she smiled, and started to sing an answer to the birds, who sang along with her. The deer began to help themselves to blobs of food stuck to the floor, while several squirrels and chipmunks ran down from the rafters and began to chew upon the wooden cups and bowls. He waited patiently until Snow White’s song and dance was done.  
“And you say your stepmother threatened to kill you?” Bilbo asked politely.  
“Yes, she hates me.”  
Bilbo looked around, and saw one of the deer pee directly on the floor. A squirrel darted past while a rabbit hopped the other way, pooping as it went. Hop, poop, hop, poop, it made its way across the floor and then hid under a chair. “I think I’ve analyzed the source of your trouble,” Bilbo announced. “These unsanitary animals simply must go. You’ll never get the place tidy if you let them indoors. Forest animals are meant to live in the forest, not in houses. The dwarves will become just as angry with you as your stepmother was if you let them destroy the place.”  
“But she was jealous of me because she wanted to be the fairest in the land,” Snow White said, “And she wanted to prevent me from being with my true love, Prince Charming.”   
“Those would be separate issues,” Bilbo explained, “But first we’ve got to get these stinkers out of the Seven Dwarves’ house.”  
“But they’re my friends, and they help me clean,” Snow White said.  
“No, they don’t,” Bilbo politely disagreed, observing the animals eating, pooping, peeing, scratching, and shedding all over the Dwarves’ house. “They’re doing a lot of things, but cleaning certainly isn’t one of them.”  
“But they are my friends!”  
“Let’s try an experiment,” Bilbo cheerfully suggested. “Let’s keep the forest animals in the forest and out of the house for one week. Just one week, and if the house isn’t cleaner and the Seven Dwarves aren’t happier, I’ll take everything I said back and invite all of you over to my house for a grand candlelight supper. Agreed?”  
“Are you cooking the candlelight supper?”  
“Cooking, cleaning, and providing both the ale and the pipeweed,” Bilbo said.  
Snow White thought for a moment, and then agreed, “Then that’s what we’ll do,” she said, “Even if only because there’s a good dinner I won’t be cooking!”  
“Then let’s get to it,” Bilbo said, picking up a broom, and shooing a rabbit outside. He swept the poops it dropped as it went out the door behind it.   
They worked all day, and when the Seven Dwarves came home, they were amazed to find Bilbo Baggins, renowned tormentor of dragons, tidying up while Snow White cooked supper. He regaled them that evening with the wondrous tale of his grand adventure, culminating in the slaying of the dragon Smaug, and the Battle of Five Armies. It was late in the evening when they all went to bed, and Bilbo decided to stay the night rather than try to find his way back into town in the dark. He ended up remaining throughout the week, to help Snow White keep her promise by shooing her Forest Friends back out and into the forest, and to smoke the Seven Dwarves’ pipeweed, which wasn’t quite as good as Shire-weed, but it was free. Six of the dwarves came to him individually and thanked him profusely for getting those animals out of their house. The seventh didn’t talk, and only seemed to fall down a lot.   
At the end of the week, Snow White did admit that it was cleaner in the house, and the Seven Dwarves were much happier. “Now,” Bilbo said to himself, feeling all flush with success, “Here’s a quest with a plain enough conclusion,” and he asked Snow White to take him to the Evil Queen’s castle.  
“But she wants to kill me!” Snow White worried.  
“Just let me do the talking,” Bilbo said. Despite his objections, the Seven Dwarves also insisted upon coming along, and made a tremendous amount of noise and smells while traveling. Finally they came to a grand palace by the sea. “Lovely,” Bilbo admired, and then he said to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, “Wait here outside the castle. I’ll go in first. Don’t go anywhere or come in until I send for you!”  
“Be careful!” Snow White said. “My stepmother has an evil friend who turns into a dragon!”  
“No worries, I can handle this,” Bilbo said, as he took his leave of them and slipped on his magic ring, becoming invisible. “Just don’t go anywhere, be quiet, and wait for me to return!” Easily sneaking past the guards, he made his way into the main castle proper, and had a look around. It was, as he had suspected, clean and tidy, with no dirty animals anywhere. When he found the horned fairy woman in black enjoying savory stuffed mushrooms with another bejeweled lady who was dressed all in velvet and silver lace, he suspected he’d found Snow White’s Evil Queen. They were laughing about something, and drinking wine from crystal goblets. He could smell the buttery, stuffed and roasted mushrooms, and seeing them enjoying the delicious treats was more than he could bear, after a week of eating questionable soup with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Although he knew he shouldn’t, he couldn’t help but steal a stuffed mushroom from a silver tray. It was delicious, and before he knew it, he had eaten several more, and then several more after that, until, despite their drunken revelry, the ladies soon noticed their dinner was disappearing.  
“Did you eat all those?” Maleficent asked.  
“No, I’ve been talking,” Regina answered. “Haven’t you been listening?”  
“Of course I have. That’s why I didn’t notice where all the mushrooms went.”  
They started looking around, and guilt got the better of Bilbo. He took off the ring, and said, “Pardon me, Your Majesties, but it was I who ate your supper.”  
Now, all might not have gone so well for Bilbo had Maleficent and the Evil Queen not been on their second bottle of wine along with eating magic mushrooms, but Bilbo had always been both fortunate and polite. It was a combination that had worked well for him in the past, and it worked well for him again. So it was that they didn’t attack or question the sudden appearance of a strange, furry footed little man the way they ordinarily would have.  
Maleficent said, “I’ve seen you before. You’re the fellow who thought I needed a permit to go mushroom gathering! Who are you?”  
“Just a plain hobbit from the Shire,” Bilbo said, thinking that if the horned lady turned into a dragon, and had possibly heard of him, giving his name might not be the wisest of options. “I apologize for eating your mushrooms, but in all fairness, you did steal them first. However,” he said, bowing to Regina, “I’ve wonderful news for the Queen. I’ve taught your stepdaughter Snow White to keep her forest friends outside!”   
“Somehow I doubt that,” Regina laughed. “She had flocks of dirty birds that screeched and dropped caustic bird crap all over everything, and pet rabbits that pooped when they hopped and hopped when they pooped. Don’t even get me started on the ducks, deer, turtles, foxes, and every other smelly beast she and her father let roam through the castle. We’ve only now cleaned out the last of it!”  
“I have indeed,” Bilbo said, “There will be no more messes, Your Majesty. I guarantee it.”  
“Really?” Regina said, raising an eyebrow at the little man. “Did Rumpelstiltskin send you here?”  
“I must say I don’t recall meeting any such person,” Bilbo said. “All I wanted last week was to go down to the pub for a pint and a leisurely smoke, and before I knew it, I was teaching Snow White to keep her many filthy pets out of the cottage of the Seven Dwarves.”  
“I’d like a leisurely smoke,” Maleficent said.   
“It does sound good, doesn’t it?” Bilbo smiled, and sitting upon one of their chairs that he found uncomfortably high, he shared his pipeweed with the two tipsy ladies. He felt rather tippy himself, and wondered exactly what those mushrooms were stuffed with.  
“So you know where Snow White is?” a drunken Regina asked, trying to remember why it was that she wanted to find someone who was such a bad roommate.  
“Absolutely,” Bilbo said, watching the Queen’s expressions. “If you like, we could have a happy reunion right now, and then I could be back in the Shire sooner rather than later.”  
A little fuzzy on the details but only remembering that she had been trying to find Snow White, and that she had put up a great many wanted posters to that effect, some advertising rewards, the Evil Queen thought about the deal.   
“I want one of those permits, so I’m not, as you so nicely put it, fungus poaching,” Maleficent said.  
“Of course, of course,” Bilbo agreed, not really thinking that part through. The Mayor and the Sheriff of Hobbiton might not approve the fairy sorceress’ application for a license.   
“Did I want a happy reunion?” Regina asked her wineglass.  
“There was something about true love and messes,” Bilbo recalled as he smoked his pipe. He noticed that the fairy had a much fancier pipe, and she was lighting it not with a tinderbox but rather with a magical flame that shot out of her forefinger. “Now that would be handy,” he admired.  
“This,” Maleficent said, shooting more fire from her finger, “Is not only handy, it’s magic.”  
“Hey,” Regina interrupted them, and asked Maleficent, “What did I want? Messy true love?”  
Bilbo had been about to let his mouth overrule his head and start showing off his magic ring, when Maleficent reached over and put her hand on Regina’s thigh, “You can make as much of a mess as you want, darling, and I’ll still love you.”  
Regina smiled a very silly smile, and made a happy noise, as she leaned over and hugged her friend. The hug turned into kissing, and Bilbo took the opportunity to quietly fill his pockets with fancy confections, rare fruits, and the few remaining stuffed mushrooms, planning to make a polite and speedy exit. Looking over his shoulder, he saw that the two ladies certainly had forgotten about him, the fairy starting to disrobe her pretty friend and telling her more about true love.   
Bilbo was planning to simply find a quiet, out of the way place somewhere in the castle to eat his fill of purloined treats, smoke himself happy, then turn invisible using the ring and sleep it all off, when the doors burst open and a calamity occurred. The Seven Dwarves rushed in armed with shields and axes, along with Snow White and her handsome prince wielding bows and swords. “What the blazes…” Bilbo began, but he never got to finish his inquiry before the fighting broke out. He saw the amazing sight of Maleficent turn into a dragon as six of the dwarves tried to hack at her with axes, and the Evil Queen shrieked, pulling her dress both up and down, in an attempt to put it back on properly. “I told them to wait outside!” Bilbo exclaimed, and then hearing a thumping noise, turned around to see Dopey grinning dopily at him, and just as Bilbo attempted to speak, the simple minded dwarf cracked him on the head with the butt of his axe. Bilbo’s last action before passing out was to slip the ring on his finger.   
When poor Bilbo awoke, he was stiff, sore, and shocked to discover himself lying on the beach beside the smoking ruins of a destroyed castle. Rubbing his head, he stood up and looked around. “Dwarves!” he exclaimed, “Well, I’m never doing anything like this again!”


End file.
